I find myself floating somewhere between sadness and regret for being so blind to how I have been tackling my life and gratitude for the realization and finally giving myself the time and space to work through it all.
For such a long time, I have been on a treadmill. Sprinting to nowhere. I thought if I could just muscle through some of the difficult parts of my life, on the other side would be the promise of bliss. Lord knows I’ve tried every ‘act as if’ exercise in the book. But it just didn’t seem to work out that way. I still find myself worried that “checking out” of the places where I have placed so much emphasis will in someway slow my progress down. But then the wisdom in me, comes in with a much louder voice, assuring me this is the furthest thing from the truth. That without this time of space and grace I will forever remain on that treadmill… next stop nowhere.
So what kind of real change do I anticipate will take place? I am not sure. So far, I have had a massive cut back on my zone out time throughout the day which has led to a massive increase in my satisfaction. I have enjoyed my children so much more. Increased my patience. Decreased my anxiety (though we still have work to do there). I have taken some conscious planning into my vision for my home, not just the pretty furniture and wall decor, but what I want it to smell and feel like, how to make my children feel more at home… how to make me feel more at home… and eventually how to make it a more welcoming space for others. I always wanted to have a space where people wanted to be and felt comfortable.
I have also thought about general self-care of myself and my family and how I want to show up for others. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling less afraid of letting others in and more genuinely interested in how I can show up for them. How I can have faith in the reciprocity of love.
I've always been one that will overcomplicate things. And yet, refuse to settle. Because it doesn't matter if I achieve my business goals if I don't achieve my family goals. It doesn't matter if I achieve my impact goals if I risk my health.
You get one life. And success, my friends is a full circle.
So what do you do when you finally face the truth that you are going through an existential crisis? You do what any other middle class mom does. You go to Target. Because among the syrup for pancake sunday, pea-protein milk for our shakes, and mascara for life, I also grab some detoxing dandelion root tea, epsom salt, and Emily Ley’s book/journal on living more intentionally. A guide of some sort is clutch. Because clearly once I learn how to manage my calendar or restructure my morning routine for the umpteenth time I will be on my way.
Wait? No! Not that again. No more. No more falling into these traps of thinking that I just need one more missing piece. That if I change it up just a little more, I will finally be complete.
That was the beginning of the end, you know. The end of my journey in my last company. I had tried so hard to do it all right and then one day had an honest to God thought that if only I had this trucker hat that some of the other stay at home moms who were successful were wearing, then some how I would get the same success and validation. A trucker hat. What. The. Absolute. Fuck.
How do we get ourselves into these comparison traps? Maybe yours isn't a damn trucker hat. Maybe yours is those perfectly clean children or abs or that designer bag.
So today. As I try to figure out what these next 21 or so days look like. How I am going to live intentionally without a checklist of to-do’s and not to-do’s, I start with self-care in the best way I know how. An epsom salt bath, pot of tea, mint clay mask, my magic hair oil, more oils in the diffuser, and some deep breaths.
I even held my babies extra tight tonight. I embraced the chaos. And I said some prayers full of grace.
P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm legally bound to let you know, if you like Simplified Life and decide to click and buy from the Amazon link, I may get compensated a few pennies from Amazon. ;)
It started in church this morning as my insides begin to sob.
"Where is Jesus in the storm?"
It’s not like I shouldn’t think Jesus is here and all around me. I mean I just discovered my adulthood version of Jesus four months ago when we started attending our new church and each Sunday has shown countless blessings in our heart. Maybe I'll share more about this journey but that's reserved for another day.
6 months ago, I heard a quote, "when life isn't adding up, start subtracting." This spoke to me and so we started to put the balls in motion to pack up our lives and travel for a year. About 6 weeks into the process it became quite clear that we were doing the wrong math. And so we changed careers. Both of us. Has it been intense? Yup. But nothing worth it is missing a little hard.
Yet everyday as we are moving further in the direction that I know God has led me down, my soul feels more empty. Why? What the absolute fuck?
Where are you Jesus? It's a storming over here.
The ground hog’s day, hampster wheel of this new life has me questioning everything. What is the purpose of all of this and where am I headed? So in this interim that feels like a black hole, I now decide to fill it up with happy hour to void out some of the open space. Fill up some time. And until happy hour starts, I crowd it up with Instagram because “I’m working” and find someone else living their best life, each time thinking that maybe if I just had some cute new clothes, or more home decor, I would be happier.
And as I listen to our guest pastor tell her story of filling her void and weathering her storm, part of me is aghast at my pettiness. My life is actually quite beautiful. I have two gorgeous, healthy children. I have a partner that I love. I have a great home. I have spent the past year head first in figuring out my life’s purpose. I have almost all of the things that I could have ever wanted. Why do I feel so empty?
So today, I finally listen and give in. I know. I hear you, I say back to the voice in my heart. The voice has been talking to me for awhile now. This is the voice that I have come to learn is Jesus or God or the Universe or Source or women's intuition. Whatever you want to call it is fine with me. And I keep saying, “tomorrow,” maybe next week… It’s time. It’s time right now, Jesus says back. It’s time to stop checking out and start checking in. Because the answers to my dream life are never going to be found on someone else’s Instagram account or in another glass of wine.
21 days. it takes 21 days to create a habit.
21 days of intentional living. And yes, that’s probably going to take a whole lot less social media and wine. Because these are my vices. These are the places I go to escape the crying children and the loneliness.
But it’s so much more than that. This isn’t just another stupid online challenge. No guru or coach or personal development book is going to be able to lead me on this one… because lord knows I have tried. I have read all the books.
This has to be about loving my life. Loving me. Finding gratitude. Stopping the shortcuts and finding the deeper meaning that my soul is calling for. Because I’m not looking for an escape. I’m looking for truth.
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.