I have made infinite mistakes as a mom, but have always gotten one thing right: I love hard and deep. I'm sure this is not unlike you. I mean, we don't care for these tiny humans day in and day out and not love them with every fiber in our bodies. But even with that I have felt this disconnection. This invisible thing that keeps me from them. From really serving them with my soul.
I have few regrets in life. This is a symptom of being a person that lives in the future versus the past, rather than someone who's given herself grace in her mistakes. But I live with one regret as a mom and it's that I stopped trusting and loving myself when my daughter was born. I know people try to prepare you but it is just downright impossible to prepare someone for what motherhood really feels like. I really didn't understand that when this tiny person came out she would immediately have her own preferences. And her preferences were very different from the plans I was making in utero. I like sleep. I read all of the sleep books. I planned that she would be a great sleeper. I thought that I could transition easily from mom to business as she played nicely on a rolled out blanket. I thought that I would immediately find my momma tribe and we would plan baby + me yoga and coffee dates. None of these things happened.
And I started to feel broken. I looked for answers outside of me. I begged for advice in mom groups. I envied the mom gangs. I resented portions of motherhood that kept me from building my business.
But the truth of all of this is that I stopped loving myself. Stopped trusting my ability to listen, even to the things I didn't necessarily want to hear. And has continued to ebb and flow in various stages of motherhood. While infancy with my son was different, part of this was second time around, part was an easier baby, part was the lesson of what not to do, I have still seen the same signs and symptoms rear their ugly head. Impatience. Frustration. Ok, losing my shit. While, I don't want this to turn into some falsehood of patron saint motherhood, I do want to bring attention to when this is them and when this is us.
Motherhood is hard. But it might be a little easier if we loved our selves more. Ok, life would be a little easier if we loved ourselves more.
So, yeah, that's step 1. You. Love you.
But then step 2. Find your breath. Your center of gravity. Your heart's calling. What is it saying to you about motherhood. About the kind of mom you want to be. Then we need to ask ourselves a critical question. A question that we reflect on often and yet never with motherhood:
What is your intention with mOtherhood? What do you want your outcome to be?
I ask this question in one shape or form in all areas of my life. What do I want my intention for the day to be? What are my goals for the year? What is my desired outcome with anything work related or with conversations I am having. And yet, I had never thought to ask myself the question, "What is my desired outcome for my children." Or maybe I have but haven't been brave enough to really consider the steps. The daily action. The intentionality that is really required.
One of the most important outcomes that I want for my children is that they feel rooted in this earth. That they are not like tree branches blowing in whatever direction social media is taking them. I want them to feel solid in who they are, which will not come from an impatient mom or a mom who is not solid in who she is. I want them to know true love so they don't just need attention. And everyday, I know that I need to breathe through my children. Find the rhythms. Feel the heartbeat of where they are developmentally and respond with intention.
This is motherhood from the inside out.
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.