I type words as they spill from my soul. They are the downloads from the universe, the lessons in action, and the truth as I am seeking it.
initially all of this felt good. Maybe good isn't the word because it definitely felt odd. Very counter-intuitive to my normal type-a personality. But it just felt right.
Whenever I have these periods of nesting or strong maternal urges, I go back to a paragraph or so from Magnolia Story by Joanna Gaines where she talks about closing her store to stay home with her children. The knowing, the nudge from God that her season was with her babies and something more was in store for her. Often, I feel something similar.
I had this feeling last year when I started to explore the idea of more children and again as I romanticized homeschooling. It's the same feeling that comes to me when I dream about moving to the country or a remote space. And I even had this feeling as I started to think about getting offline permanently (or at least a heavy detox).
But what I have come to realize is that these nudges that I am feeling have nothing to do with motherhood or country living or social media. The nudges I am feeling have all been calling me home. Calling me inward.
Feeling tired, frustrated, afraid - all of my ideas for fixing that are simply just bandaids, a way for me to hide, to rest, to take a break from the noisy world. When everything that I want is simply within. The answers, the feelings, and even the path are found in my heart space. Are found with my ability to grant myself permission. I simply have to be brave enough to follow it.
I feel all of this in a swirling moment. Because as we creep deeper into September, I also feel like my time is coming and the angst is building. I am an impatient child. When I want something, I want it now. And y'all, I want to explode with these messages inside of me. Messages of feminine leadership and truth and leaving behind fear and anxiety and loneliness. A message that crumbling is beautiful and triumphant. I want to explode with all that's brewing inside of me and still this grand uncertainty of how it will unfold. But that's just it, there is still so much brewing. Still a period of gestation. This I know for sure. But that doesn't mean I like it. It doesn't mean that the child inside of me doesn't want to rush the process.
Boom. Smack. And in the middle of it all, my baby gets sick. Y'all. I just got him in school. He's gone one day and out sick. My weary heart that knows this month is all about grounding but battling this child inside of me that wants to run with this fire. That feels I am up against some illusive clock of time. This fear inside that says if I don't hurry I am going to miss out, miss my opportunity, miss my approval rating. That's just raging fear inside of me.
So home we stay. There's just something about your sick child that makes your world stop. That forces you to inhale nothing but giant gulps of gratitude as they drape their uncomfortable little bodies on top of you because nothing in the world is making them feel comfortable but the touch of mom. The safety that you will make it all better.
I breathe in patience. I breathe in presence. And I breathe in the reminder that everything is happening. It is happening the way that it should. It is happening in the fastest time possible. And maybe, just maybe the reason is doesn't feel that it's happening fast enough is because what is inside of me is going to take a little more growth and healing and patience. And maybe, just maybe if I decide to go all in on that instead of getting lost in my fears, time is irrelevant.
Real growth is a Mother F...
If life is leaning on you real hard right now it's because you are being beckoned to grow. So often though, we tend to bargain with the universe by making lateral moves. We look outside ourselves for something bright and shiny. A new job, a new course, a new diet. We think that all we need is just this new thing over here. But what we really need is to sit with the discomfort, climb the mountain, actually pull away the layers (and not just read about it), and GROW.
What challenge are you incurring that growth is the answer?
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.