I type words as they spill from my soul. They are the downloads from the universe, the lessons in action, and the truth as I am seeking it.
I’m so tired. How did I get so tired? Sure. OK. I have two children. But I get 8 hours of sleep, eat well, take vitamins, workout. Why am I SO tired? I don’t remember being this tired.
As of late, I have been getting up and jamming some caffeine down my throat. When that doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, I grab another hit before my workout. Afternoon time comes around and I am still tired. My final caffeine boost doesn’t even seem to be touching me. By the time the witching hour rolls in my body is buzzing, my brain is zapped, and I am STILL tired. I can’t quite deal with the incessant noise, cries, and demands. So let’s have a glass of wine. That first one seems to go down too easily. Pour the second. Usually this is where I stop. But not lately. What’s one more? I don’t really have anything profound to do the next day. Put the kids to bed and guess who’s tired? ME! So off to bed to awaken to my same foggy state. Why can’t I wake up??? And this has been my pattern for the past three weeks.
I’ve been merely surviving for so long now that I don’t even know what to do with myself. It’s not like there isn’t plenty to do… both satisfying and mundane. Yet somehow tackling these tasks feels scary and overwhelming… like I could actually be making progress in my life that I am unsure how to make. Or maybe because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I knew I had to break this cycle. This daze of coffee until wine. I knew I had to stop the self-sabotaging. But sometimes it felt like the extra energy to stop was harder than just keeping it going. Have you ever felt that way?
So what do you do when you finally face the truth that you are going through an existential crisis? You do what any other middle class mom does. You go to Target. Because among the syrup for pancake sunday, pea-protein milk for our shakes, and mascara for life, I also grab some detoxing dandelion root tea, epsom salt, and Emily Ley’s book/journal on living more intentionally. A guide of some sort is clutch. Because clearly once I learn how to manage my calendar or restructure my morning routine for the umpteenth time I will be on my way.
Wait? No! Not that again. No more. No more falling into these traps of thinking that I just need one more missing piece. That if I change it up just a little more, I will finally be complete.
That was the beginning of the end, you know. The end of my journey in my last company. I had tried so hard to do it all right and then one day had an honest to God thought that if only I had this trucker hat that some of the other stay at home moms who were successful were wearing, then some how I would get the same success and validation. A trucker hat. What. The. Absolute. Fuck.
How do we get ourselves into these comparison traps? Maybe yours isn't a damn trucker hat. Maybe yours is those perfectly clean children or abs or that designer bag.
So today. As I try to figure out what these next 21 or so days look like. How I am going to live intentionally without a checklist of to-do’s and not to-do’s, I start with self-care in the best way I know how. An epsom salt bath, pot of tea, mint clay mask, my magic hair oil, more oils in the diffuser, and some deep breaths.
I even held my babies extra tight tonight. I embraced the chaos. And I said some prayers full of grace.
P.S. I'm pretty sure I'm legally bound to let you know, if you like Simplified Life and decide to click and buy from the Amazon link, I may get compensated a few pennies from Amazon. ;)
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.