I type words as they spill from my soul. They are the downloads from the universe, the lessons in action, and the truth as I am seeking it.
Ok let me give you the cliff's notes of the past 6 months.
B: I'm not happy
C: Me neither
B: Ok let's make a change
C: Like What?
B: I don't know. Let's sell everything, move into an RV, and travel for the year.
C: .................................................. What??? ........................................... OK I'm in.
Put house up for sale. Review the checklist of selling everything and moving everyone one million times. On one million and one realize that the plan isn't coming together. Take the house off the market. Quit your company. Hubs gets a job. Find a kindergarten for your 4 year old. Join a new company. Take down all of your courses and toss your old email list. Strip down to the studs.
And here we are.
As I look back, it makes my head spin a bit. As I look forward, it makes my heart feel at peace.
I have declared August the month for me. For me to find my groove and my swag. To rebuild.
I once read an article about Richard Branson. You know the guy with the record label, airline, and his own island. Essentially, someone was trying to get Richard Branson to speak at an event. He turned them down so they continued to up the amount of money they would offer him to speak until the amount so so insanely absurd and he still said no. The group asked, What would it take for him to say yes?? In which his team replied, nothing. Your mission is simply not in line with his top 3 goals and priorities. He simply won't do it. There is nothing you can do to get him there.
Life feels a lot like that right now... without the private island and 757. By completely cleaning my life of the clutter - the physical, mental, and emotional clutter - I have been able to finally get very mindful with what adds value to my life and what doesn't - and even more important, where I am meant to add real value, and where I am not the best to serve.
The freedom in this has allowed me to get very clear on what I say yes to 1) Me- my spiritual, mental, physical, emotional, financial, and social health. I am addressing my thyroid health, connecting to God, meeting friends that serve my soul, contributing as my highest self? 2)My family and our home - their health, happiness, and what makes them thrive. My marriage. 3) Work that inspires me and where I can provide the most value. With these things. I am ALL IN. Going all in. Showing up authentically. Getting present. Putting my phone down. Listening. Taking action.
Beyond that. It's a no for me.
I find myself floating somewhere between sadness and regret for being so blind to how I have been tackling my life and gratitude for the realization and finally giving myself the time and space to work through it all.
For such a long time, I have been on a treadmill. Sprinting to nowhere. I thought if I could just muscle through some of the difficult parts of my life, on the other side would be the promise of bliss. Lord knows I’ve tried every ‘act as if’ exercise in the book. But it just didn’t seem to work out that way. I still find myself worried that “checking out” of the places where I have placed so much emphasis will in someway slow my progress down. But then the wisdom in me, comes in with a much louder voice, assuring me this is the furthest thing from the truth. That without this time of space and grace I will forever remain on that treadmill… next stop nowhere.
So what kind of real change do I anticipate will take place? I am not sure. So far, I have had a massive cut back on my zone out time throughout the day which has led to a massive increase in my satisfaction. I have enjoyed my children so much more. Increased my patience. Decreased my anxiety (though we still have work to do there). I have taken some conscious planning into my vision for my home, not just the pretty furniture and wall decor, but what I want it to smell and feel like, how to make my children feel more at home… how to make me feel more at home… and eventually how to make it a more welcoming space for others. I always wanted to have a space where people wanted to be and felt comfortable.
I have also thought about general self-care of myself and my family and how I want to show up for others. For the first time in a long time, I am feeling less afraid of letting others in and more genuinely interested in how I can show up for them. How I can have faith in the reciprocity of love.
I've always been one that will overcomplicate things. And yet, refuse to settle. Because it doesn't matter if I achieve my business goals if I don't achieve my family goals. It doesn't matter if I achieve my impact goals if I risk my health.
You get one life. And success, my friends is a full circle.
I’m so tired. How did I get so tired? Sure. OK. I have two children. But I get 8 hours of sleep, eat well, take vitamins, workout. Why am I SO tired? I don’t remember being this tired.
As of late, I have been getting up and jamming some caffeine down my throat. When that doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, I grab another hit before my workout. Afternoon time comes around and I am still tired. My final caffeine boost doesn’t even seem to be touching me. By the time the witching hour rolls in my body is buzzing, my brain is zapped, and I am STILL tired. I can’t quite deal with the incessant noise, cries, and demands. So let’s have a glass of wine. That first one seems to go down too easily. Pour the second. Usually this is where I stop. But not lately. What’s one more? I don’t really have anything profound to do the next day. Put the kids to bed and guess who’s tired? ME! So off to bed to awaken to my same foggy state. Why can’t I wake up??? And this has been my pattern for the past three weeks.
I’ve been merely surviving for so long now that I don’t even know what to do with myself. It’s not like there isn’t plenty to do… both satisfying and mundane. Yet somehow tackling these tasks feels scary and overwhelming… like I could actually be making progress in my life that I am unsure how to make. Or maybe because I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I knew I had to break this cycle. This daze of coffee until wine. I knew I had to stop the self-sabotaging. But sometimes it felt like the extra energy to stop was harder than just keeping it going. Have you ever felt that way?
Let’s talk about yesterday’s post for a second, can we? I have done so much reflecting on that post. It’s the one that haunts me. It just feels so… Dark.
I think Glennon Doyle describes it best… it’s like my representative gives your representative this pseudo hug. We so desperately want depth but we are way too busy pretending that we all have our shit together that we just can’t. We can’t let each other in because then you’ll know. You'll know that I don’t wake up like this.
Are you ready for the darkest secret of all? The true fear that’s come from all of this? If I let you in then you’ll know that network marketing isn’t a fairy tale life. You’ll learn that entrepreneurship is hard. That my product while awesome, isn’t a miracle… and the very worst of all… you’ll learn that my ra-ra of “ work family” that I was building in my last business was just that… ra-ra.
Holy shit. I just said it.
You see reflecting on my last post, isn’t a post at all. it’s my life. Why? Why am I breaking down when someone who clearly cares asks how I am? Why am I unable to let people in? Why do I feel like no one sees me? Why do I feel empty when I clearly know that God is leading the way on this one?
Truth: Because I spent 6 and a half years trying to take short cuts to building relationships in order to grow a check and move up the recognition ladder. Not everyone of course. There was a core group, but we had hundreds of customers and team members. I’m not sure how it started. Maybe because we were on a fast track to mega success and most of the mentorship we got was of the “turn and burn” style. And so I did. Every time my heart screaming NO. But I wouldn’t listen. Just one more. This is a numbers game. Hustle and grind. Just keep signing em up. As I say this, I blame no one other than my ego. That’s who was driving the car. Ego and seeking recognition. So don't get it twisted.
When I realized what was happening, finally had my, "oh shit" moment it was too late. I didn’t want it to be too late. I so desperately wanted to course correct. I tried. I fought. But I just wasn’t going to win that race.
And so when I see this new opportunity, see how it’s more in line with my purpose of empowering women. I see this ground floor opportunity. I GOT THIS.
But old habits die hard and suddenly I see that I am on the brink of not walking the walk. I join this to unite women. To strengthen and empower. But the truth is all I know is turn and burn. I know the game.
No. Not this time. I just can’t. I would rather close up shop than duplicate my past habits. This is my chance to start fresh. To do it the right way. To actually SEE YOU and let you SEE ME. And so, when I am faced square on with this realization, amidst the rest of life's chaos swirling around me, I absolutely fucking crumble.
Now here we are. You, me, and Robert Frost.
Because I have debated this over and over in my head. Can I actually speak the truth and continue in this business model? Or should I toss in the towel and go full throttle into coaching, because I know how to do that.
No. You can’t reinvent the wheel. It’s a numbers game.
Bullshit. You absolutely can. And you must. Because someone has to. The business model is just too good and the world is just too smart and my fellow sisterhood is just too hungry for truth and collaboration over competition. For freedom. To actually reap the rewards of the women that have come decades before us proving that you can have it all. You can have your babies and be a present mom and be a leader of an organization and be a homemaker and get compensated beautifully. And the greatest opportunity is through residual income and network marketing.
And so rather than worry about the "show" and "production" of the next party or conversation, I get present. I laugh until I cry. I let myself be seen. I listen for the sake of listening not for delivering my line. I truly buy into their why’s. I hear the resounding stories of women seeking presence with their babies and depth with their friends. Seeking rewards and possibility. Seeking time. So I drink in a deep breath and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with exactly who I am supposed to be with doing exactly what I was meant to do.
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.