Should I throw in the towel?

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Let’s talk about yesterday’s post for a second, can we? I have done so much reflecting on that post. It’s the one that haunts me. It just feels so… Dark.

I think Glennon Doyle describes it best… it’s like my representative gives your representative this pseudo hug. We so desperately want depth but we are way too busy pretending that we all have our shit together that we just can’t. We can’t let each other in because then you’ll know. You'll know that I don’t wake up like this. 

Are you ready for the darkest secret of all? The true fear that’s come from all of this? If I let you in then you’ll know that network marketing isn’t a fairy tale life. You’ll learn that entrepreneurship is hard. That my product while awesome, isn’t a miracle… and the very worst of all… you’ll learn that my ra-ra of “ work family” that I was building in my last business was just that… ra-ra. 

Holy shit. I just said it. 

You see reflecting on my last post, isn’t a post at all. it’s my life. Why? Why am I breaking down when someone who clearly cares asks how I am? Why am I unable to let people in? Why do I feel like no one sees me? Why do I feel empty when I clearly know that God is leading the way on this one?

Truth: Because I spent 6 and a half years trying to take short cuts to building relationships in order to grow a check and move up the recognition ladder. Not everyone of course. There was a core group, but we had hundreds of customers and team members. I’m not sure how it started. Maybe because we were on a fast track to mega success and most of the mentorship we got was of the “turn and burn” style. And so I did. Every time my heart screaming NO. But I wouldn’t listen. Just one more. This is a numbers game. Hustle and grind. Just keep signing em up. As I say this, I blame no one other than my ego. That’s who was driving the car. Ego and seeking recognition. So don't get it twisted. 

When I realized what was happening, finally had my, "oh shit" moment it was too late. I didn’t want it to be too late. I so desperately wanted to course correct. I tried. I fought. But I just wasn’t going to win that race. 

And so when I see this new opportunity, see how it’s more in line with my purpose of empowering women. I see this ground floor opportunity. I GOT THIS. 

But old habits die hard and suddenly I see that I am on the brink of not walking the walk. I join this to unite women. To strengthen and empower. But the truth is all I know is turn and burn. I know the game. 

No. Not this time. I just can’t. I would rather close up shop than duplicate my past habits. This is my chance to start fresh. To do it the right way. To actually SEE YOU and let you SEE ME. And so, when I am faced square on with this realization, amidst the rest of life's chaos swirling around me, I absolutely fucking crumble. 

Now here we are. You, me, and Robert Frost. 

Because I have debated this over and over in my head. Can I actually speak the truth and continue in this business model? Or should I toss in the towel and go full throttle into coaching, because I know how to do that.

No. You can’t reinvent the wheel. It’s a numbers game. 

Bullshit. You absolutely can. And you must. Because someone has to. The business model is just too good and the world is just too smart and my fellow sisterhood is just too hungry for truth and collaboration over competition. For freedom. To actually reap the rewards of the women that have come decades before us proving that you can have it all. You can have your babies and be a present mom and be a leader of an organization and be a homemaker and get compensated beautifully. And the greatest opportunity is through residual income and network marketing. 

And so rather than worry about the "show" and "production" of the next party or conversation, I get present. I laugh until I cry. I let myself be seen. I listen for the sake of listening not for delivering my line. I truly buy into their why’s. I hear the resounding stories of women seeking presence with their babies and depth with their friends. Seeking rewards and possibility. Seeking time. So I drink in a deep breath and know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be with exactly who I am supposed to be with doing exactly what I was meant to do.