Wading in our truth

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I have kept so many words and feelings bottled up inside for so long that when I decided to write, they just sort of spilled out of me. And I want to thank you, dear reader, for your support. You have helped me heal my life. Just reading and messaging me and sharing these words. You have been the gift from the universe to confirm this human experience that we all lead and how vital it is that we deepen our connection. When I started to write, I had no idea where this would all lead or that I would find my home in these words. 

Over the past year and a half I have made some bold business decisions. Taking an online branding course, building a website, launching an online course, severing ties with one network marketing company, partnering with another, doing some influencer work, writing my first book. I've contemplated going back to work at a job and considered making my family my sole, full-time gig. As I read through this list, the word failure bobs and weaves in my head. Always our own worst critic. But this, sister, is a lie. This isn't failure at all. This is seeking truth. This is the bravest thing you will ever do. Knowing when to quit and when to pivot. This takes serious courage to follow your instincts. I tell you this so that you know it's ok to change your mind. This doesn't make you a failure, it makes you a warrior.  

I learned some time ago that action cures fear, which is true. But sometimes, I have been haste in my actions and I would get taken off path. Every few months or so, I would find myself in this existential crisis, needing a full day to myself to read, to write, to meditate. And wouldn't you know, every time I would come out of one of these days with nearly the same conclusion. What got me off track in the first place? The answer: I start looking for shortcuts.  Nowadays, it doesn't take long for my internal navigation to say, Nope. No ma'am. You took a wrong turn. So I take a few steps back. Get on my designated path. And as I'm strolling along in the dark, I encounter a crevice in the road. A deep, murky valley that I have to wade through order to find my truth. I guess this is how truth seeking process goes. I no longer get to go around it. There are no shortcuts. I have to go through it. 

This clearly is going to take longer than I thought.

Because getting to where I am going, becoming who I am supposed to be, that takes a good bit of unbecoming. Peeling back the layers. Shedding the skin that isn't me and probably never was. it takes healing past mistakes, past guilt, past shame. Because when you shed, this new, raw skin is now exposed. It takes making peace with yourself. It takes grace and love. It takes all the faith. And it takes patience. A lot of patience. 

I'm getting a lot of questions about this process. A lot of us feel broken or segmented. ​

How do  you heal? How do you become whole?

This answer is never easy and it's never a one size fits all. Stay tuned. In the weeks to come, I am going to dive into this more. But for now, here are a few things that work for me:

Therapy. While I am not actively in therapy today, I am applying all the things that I would have for a client. Journaling, self-care, meditation. Processing my past. Talking with my husband. So much reading. So many aha's ​and personal accountability. So much of finding what's me. Finding inspiration, but refusing to let anyone be the expert except me. Apply what feels necessary and let the rest fall off.

You know when you read something and something resonates with you? That's the stuff to pay attention to. That's the voice of God. I still can never get over this part of the book, Magnolia Story, where Joanna Gaines closes her shop to stay home with her children. That still sticks with me. I still roll that one around in my head, wondering what that means for my life. 

I do all things health, still. Always. Workout, eat well, supplements, oils, chiropractor, drink water, a silly amount of tea, sleep. I get 8 hours of sleep every night. It's my life's biggest non-negotiable. I play with my diet regularly. I am still on a mission to figure out if I have an autoimmune disease or if it's all psychosomatic. It's not. But that's how it feels when you have some disease with invisible symptoms. I have also learned patience with myself. The anxiety and the moods... they are also symptoms of this disease which makes feeling your way through hard. Because those feelings can get muddled and blurry and distorted. I just polled Facebook for CBD oil. We'll see if that helps. Chakra healing. That's been great too. My root chakra is all jacked up. But we're fixing that. Slowing down, getting rooted. 

Faith. I have had to give up all of the control. All of the worries on when it will happen or how it will happen, and just keep moving forward, because what other option do I have. Do any of us have. ​

This is not a process for the faint of heart. This is an all in, one step forward, two steps back. But guess what. Nothing else was working. I have dreams. I have a purpose. And it's my job to really go after it. 

In the process of unbecoming and then healing, you Get to see what's left. That's who you really are. There enlies your truth.

Who I am not, is them. And them is all of the people that I have compared myself to. All of the people that I have copied. Why? Because they have found the secrets to their life, maybe their secrets could be mine too. Unbecoming and trusting yourself feels too hard. Copying seems easier.

But again, no shortcuts. I can't be them. It's impossible. Trying only alienates us further. Imposter syndrome feels icky. I have to find what works for me and do that all in, my way. One thing I know about business is that we buy the person and then the product. And you can never buy into a fake me. And I can never buy into a fake you. We feel that shit. We know when it's off. ​

So then, who am i?

Being an empath in today's world is hard. It's filled with hurt. And I feel those deeply. I have no choice. If I don't I am disconnected from you and from me. But feeling it all needs to be feeling the joy too. It's possible, you know. It's exactly what it means to be human. Have you ever been to a funeral, totally consumed in your grief, and bust out into laughter. Maybe someone tells a story from the past and you are just completely overtaken with laughter. This. This is life. We get to feel all of the emotions at the same time. Yet, somewhere the joy got lost among the stress and guilt. Before you knew it, it took more vulnerability for me to laugh than to cry. 

Joy has felt hard. I began to numb myself. Numb myself from the pain of things not working out how I had planned. Numb myself from the facade that I was putting on. And what I have found is that I can't numb myself from the pain without also numbing myself from the joy. So after healing the pain, I have to open myself up to feel all of the things. 

This joy thing is still a work in progress for me. But here are a few spaces where I know joy lives: 

• In the presence of my children. Like getting present with them. Not just watching them, but being with them. 
• Reading. The quiet and the stillness of good words is heaven. 
• Praying. Talking to my creator, waiting for an answer, and executing those actions. 
• Sharing real truth with friends. Getting through the layers of small talk and getting to the real
• Holding space for others. Allowing people to share openly and deepening our human understanding. 

I am now seeing that there is a place for me. There's always a place at the table for each of us when we shine in our truth. Healing has showed me the spaces where I felt unworthy. And that unworthiness was from trying to be someone I wasn't. Trying to be all things to all people will always lead to failure and shame. 

In this moment, I finally feel free. 

Free to Be. 

So please allow me to reintroduce myself.

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I think it's cool that in this great big world we have somehow connected. 

I write about the things on my heart. And maybe they are the things on your heart too. 

​Motherhood. Getting out of our own way. Becoming More.
For you. For her. For him. For those that matter. 

Maybe this is a space of inspiration. And I truly hope it can be for you. 
But I am going to ask a big favor. I am going to ask that you share the things that touch you. Because what I know for sure and express through my words is that we are not alone in our thoughts, our pain, our struggle, and our joy. And when you decide to share the message that is meaningful for you, you expand our sisterhood. You decrease our shame. You light the path. ​