I type words as they spill from my soul. They are the downloads from the universe, the lessons in action, and the truth as I am seeking it.
I love Brene Brown. I literally cropped myself into a picture of her and Oprah under one of Oprah's giant oak trees. The first book I listened to was Daring Greatly. I could tell immediately that this book was for me and as she continued to reference The Gifts of Imperfection, I paused my audible and downloaded Gifts, thinking I had to read the prequel first. I inhaled that book in a few days and then completed my listen of Daring Greatly. Braving the Wilderness has to be one of the most important books of our time and my current read is Dare to Lead. Just love her. And her work guides so much of who I am and how I want to show up in this world.
When I was thinking about writing this blog, I was initially going to take you through my own personal journey of the message I received in a recent Sunday service. The message was simple: Jesus loves you. Ok, great. But the magic was in the delivery and how we learn to truly love ourselves. How we learn to voice our own shame and accept the love. You see, for many years I have been hustling for my worth through career, business, money, and prestige. First it was a matter of racking up degrees, then it was being a successful entrepreneur, and then it was money. The shame was created when we continued to live outside of our means and were always broke. And when I finally broke through that shame barrier and opened up to some friends this past year, the most magnificent thing happened: Love. It is magic.
But that's not what this blog is about. Not entirely anyway. This blog is about something more important. It's about the struggle that we endure as women. The constant struggle for our worthiness. The never-ending feelings of not being good enough: pretty enough, smart enough, good enough moms, successful enough entrepreneurs. The shame cycle that so many of us carry with us daily that keeps the love out.
Today I was having coffee with some moms from church. And if I am really honest, the anxiety started as a pulled up to the house. I am still the new girl. And there it was: that brief, yet present feeling of driving my older car in this beautiful neighborhood. Mind you, I am not a car person. I don't care what I drive and yet the thought still popped in my head.
Hustle and Unworthiness breed insecurity.
I relaxed quickly as I have been practicing new self talk for some time. I have been clear on saying no to where I don't want to be and yes to the places I want to build relationships. This is a yes. This is a space to show up as the real me, to love her, and to let others get to know her. This is a spot where I want to cheer others on. There is simply no room for my wall of defense in this situation.
Kindergarten was a big topic of the day as 3 of the moms were starting their tours and process for enrolling their children for the Fall and school has been heavy on my heart. Many moms asked how kindergarten was going for us. "Great! She excels. Makes lots of friends. But I am considering homeschool." This is a weird answer, I know. I struggle with it daily. Probably because homeschool is a little weird, too. I don't know? Is it still? It was when I was growing up.
As I watched my thoughts waver in my head and again the struggle of if I am just overcomplicating things, overthinking, making too big of a deal out of it. Not wanting to feel like the odd ball. Because odd is unworthy? Collective is better? But then the answer became clear as day as Sunday's message drifted into the conversation. Every single one of us are still wrestling with so much doubt and worthiness. This. This is it. Peace returning to my heart. Strength in my soul. Love and confidence for who I am.
I am strongly considering homeschool because I am strongly considering my priorities. The priorities of self esteem, confidence, and worthiness above math and science. The priority of, like all moms, to have my child start on the most solid ground possible and that ground is within her. Everywhere you look, women are rising and as they rise, they find themselves battling the demons. The doubts planted in them in grade school. The sexual harassment in high school and college. The body image. The mom guilt. The "who do you think you are"...
Even as I get confident in my footing, knowing the answers in my core, I second guess myself all the time. Just like this. In this very case right here. I beat myself up before I have even made my move. I put all of the pressure to make the "right" decision and hustle for my worthiness because "right" is defined by who? And why is "right" static? Why isn't it ok to try things out, embrace mistakes, and look at them as getting you closer to truth. I can guarantee that I am always going to get it wrong if I am looking for right outside of me.
No wonder we are drowning in self-doubt.
So this is why I look at homeschool, because maybe I want her to have a more solid foundation in her ability to trust her inner voice than to perform math facts.
But this post isn't about home school either, dear friend. It's about me + you and our ability to learn to love ourselves so that we can embrace each other's individual decisions, because when we brave the wilderness, we still need a tribe that has our back.
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I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.