It started in church this morning as my insides begin to sob.
"Where is Jesus in the storm?"
It’s not like I shouldn’t think Jesus is here and all around me. I mean I just discovered my adulthood version of Jesus four months ago when we started attending our new church and each Sunday has shown countless blessings in our heart. Maybe I'll share more about this journey but that's reserved for another day.
6 months ago, I heard a quote, "when life isn't adding up, start subtracting." This spoke to me and so we started to put the balls in motion to pack up our lives and travel for a year. About 6 weeks into the process it became quite clear that we were doing the wrong math. And so we changed careers. Both of us. Has it been intense? Yup. But nothing worth it is missing a little hard.
Yet everyday as we are moving further in the direction that I know God has led me down, my soul feels more empty. Why? What the absolute fuck?
Where are you Jesus? It's a storming over here.
The ground hog’s day, hampster wheel of this new life has me questioning everything. What is the purpose of all of this and where am I headed? So in this interim that feels like a black hole, I now decide to fill it up with happy hour to void out some of the open space. Fill up some time. And until happy hour starts, I crowd it up with Instagram because “I’m working” and find someone else living their best life, each time thinking that maybe if I just had some cute new clothes, or more home decor, I would be happier.
And as I listen to our guest pastor tell her story of filling her void and weathering her storm, part of me is aghast at my pettiness. My life is actually quite beautiful. I have two gorgeous, healthy children. I have a partner that I love. I have a great home. I have spent the past year head first in figuring out my life’s purpose. I have almost all of the things that I could have ever wanted. Why do I feel so empty?
So today, I finally listen and give in. I know. I hear you, I say back to the voice in my heart. The voice has been talking to me for awhile now. This is the voice that I have come to learn is Jesus or God or the Universe or Source or women's intuition. Whatever you want to call it is fine with me. And I keep saying, “tomorrow,” maybe next week… It’s time. It’s time right now, Jesus says back. It’s time to stop checking out and start checking in. Because the answers to my dream life are never going to be found on someone else’s Instagram account or in another glass of wine.
21 days. it takes 21 days to create a habit.
21 days of intentional living. And yes, that’s probably going to take a whole lot less social media and wine. Because these are my vices. These are the places I go to escape the crying children and the loneliness.
But it’s so much more than that. This isn’t just another stupid online challenge. No guru or coach or personal development book is going to be able to lead me on this one… because lord knows I have tried. I have read all the books.
This has to be about loving my life. Loving me. Finding gratitude. Stopping the shortcuts and finding the deeper meaning that my soul is calling for. Because I’m not looking for an escape. I’m looking for truth.
I'm a messy hair lovin' - soulful book junkie - mompreneur who's totally addicted to helping women design a life they lovI'm here, simply, to share my truth so that it inspires you to live yours! To be your boldest, most authentic self, to find your tribe that supports your soul, and to go after success in every area of your life. e.